I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
