dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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