My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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