Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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