You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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