we have pet lesbian snakes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize