Cold hands, warm shart.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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