omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
