I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
