my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
