Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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