Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
