mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
