____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
