Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize