what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
