Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
