Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
