Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
