i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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