My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
