two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
