I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
