You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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