Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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