Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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