Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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