Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
