Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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