My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
