Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
