Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
