What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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