proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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