Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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