Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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