you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
