He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize