I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i drank out of a bidet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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