he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
