Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize