Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
