I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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