My liver just broke up with me...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
