Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
