If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize