I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
