I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
