Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
