I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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