I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
