Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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