I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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