Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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