took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It was a blind-side dick pic.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
