we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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