i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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