I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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